Friday, October 17, 2014

To my mommy friends

I'm not a mommy. But I have a lot of mommy friends. And lately a lot of you have been expressing the pressure you feel as moms. I've heard you talk about it in private conversations, emails, blogs and when I ask you how you're doing. When I hear you express your stress, guilt, fears of judgement and the pressures on you to be super mommy, I want to cry. Because that sucks! None of us should have to live with that kind of pressure. So this is what I want to say to you...

Ignore the pressure. Screw the pressure. Forget the pressure. I know that is easier said than done, but that pressure has nothing to do with your kids. Because your kids don't really care about the themed birthday party or the matching outfit or the organic lunch. And here's how I know...

I grew up with a single mom with three kids. She wasn't there for all the ball games or music concerts or school plays. She had to work. (And let's face it, she was TIRED!) We didn't have bento box lunches; we had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on wonder bread with two chips a'hoy cookies and a few potato chips from the big bag at home. We didn't have the newest clothes; we ordered the same five shirts, three pairs of pants, one package of underwear and one package of socks from the Sears catalogue every fall. We lived in a trailer for several years; our friends lived in two story houses with matching furniture in every room.

My mom's friends saw my sisters and me in our Sears catalogue clothes and eating no-frills lunches. They saw that my mom didn't always come to our events at school. They saw our mismatching furniture when they dropped off our friends for a sleep-over. But it's the things they didn't see that make me say please let go of the mommy pressure...

They didn't see that my sisters and I laid on my mom's bed every Saturday morning and talked and talked and talked. And my mom would just listen to our childhood and teenage ramblings. They didn't see my mom rush from work to make it to the band concert just in time. They didn't see her take me to the fabric store to pick out a homecoming dress and make it for me. They didn't see her mow the lawn or make dinner or put a band-aid on my finger. They didn't see her be my mom day in and day out. But I did. And even though we didn't have all the other things our friends had, I never felt without. Even when my mom said go outside and play, I didn't feel like she didn't want to be around me (although she probably didn't). Because I knew I was loved. Love. That's all your kids want. Kids are easy that way. Because the simplest things make kids happy...

This is what made me happy as a kid... I loved getting the Sears catalogue every fall and picking out what I wanted. I loved sitting on my mom's bed in that mismatching house every Saturday morning. I survived on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chips a'hoy cookies allowed me some good lunch trades at times. I liked when my mom let me do the decorating to our house, even if it wasn't the nicest looking. I felt extra proud when my mom made it to a school event because I knew it was hard for her. I loved eating her fried halibut and helping her plant flowers in the yard. It's only when I look back as an adult that I realize that the things I loved as a child would have been looked on very differently by adults. Maybe my mom's friends thought I was without and that my mom wasn't a good mommy. But I didn't. And that's the best part - kids don't care what other people think; they just care what their mommies think.

So mommy friends, please don't let the pressure from others, pressure from yourself or pressure from society make you feel stressed, inadequate or judged. You are super mommy already. Your super power is love.

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